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Kind of tired of this.

I'm thinking about quitting LiveJournal. It doesn't really do much for me, one of a few things I'm asked to do. In a lot of ways it's just been annoying me, anyway. One annoying snooper is apparently going to change the dynamic of everything. So whatever, fine, isn't that how it always happens? Besides, my life isn't one that really needs to be read over again.


Everyone else is doing it so why not me.

I'm too tired and depressed to recap the whole year especially since so little happened outside of the horrible summer. So I guess I'll just reflect in a generic way.

I've already forgotten how the year started. Probably sucked but not in any super eventful way it seems. I think 2010 is the year I saw all of the sequels to Texas Chainsaw Massacre, making it seem a lot longer now that I think about it. Of course I saw the original at the end of 09 which started a whole obsession. I also think 2010 is the year I drew Leatherface, first, and did a pretty decent job of it in time, much to my surprise. 2010 is also the year I got back into the Price is Right ever since the day I was curious if anybody ever did win a million dollars and Youtube'd it.

I spent a good part of the year getting a little more friendly towards Rebecca although now I'm starting to be put off by her sleaziness, this time not directed at me, just simply gross. I believe this is the year I got into a new Radio station which to me is note-worthy for some reason. I was paid to walk Eric's dog and spy on his daughter this year, mainly in the Spring, which I would say was the highlight of 2010, I found Spring rather pleasant this year. I especially liked walking along Maple with my MP3 player. I also spent some time housesitting for Steph and Jen while they vacationed across the country. It was an interesting time, good for solitude but bad for boredom. Thankfully the cats kept me good and annoyed. Mom tried out for Wheel of Fortune and I ended up getting on the Try Out stage and solving the puzzle. Won a shirt and a photo. Didn't get called onto the show which I would call a good thing.

Of course, over the summer is where all the shittiness happened, my grandparent's accident, grandpa being hospitalized, and grandma being forced to live with us. Much worse than that was the event which unfolded at their farm, that I still prefer not put into writing any more than necessary. Anybody who reads this knows what I'm talking about. At this time, Grandma still stays with us, although spends much of her time now with Grandpa, as he whines and makes her feel obligated to stay at the nursing home with him.

On to lighter matters, I believe this was the year I beat Pilotwings on the SNES for the first time, a feat I am most proud of. I also wrote the first review on a Zelda game I do believe, which happened to be the best one I feel I'd done. And at 9:13 on the morning of August 27th, 2010, I finally completed Contra without losing any lives. More amazing than that was that mere hours later I did it again on Super C, something I still can't believe happened. One brilliant blip in a life that could otherwise be described as a broken Lite-Brite.

Thanksgiving totally sucked like it always does and I prefer not to think too hard about it. It came, it went, end of story. However, the year ended with a Christmas that managed to not totally suck ass. It was small gift wise but while together at the hotel in some sort of irony I feel like I should be seeing, we had a pretty good time. The gifts I did get were pretty good and I look forward to using them if I haven't already.

New Year's Eve was no good really. I busted up my signed Hockey mask and come midnight, the loosely termed good time mom and I were having watching Netflix was ruined with dad's presence. I imagine Rebecca will be more shitfaced than the last boss of Conker's Bad Fur Day. But on the other hand, I got the new particle off of my laptop screen. So I guess the day breaks even.

Here's to 2011. I don't actually have a glass of anything in my hand. Mmhm.

A journal about my sister

No, not my older sister. The one with even larger problems. On a near nightly basis, I watch her stumble into the house, totally shitfaced (ha, Firefox recognizes that as a word) and acting like an idiot. It makes you wonder how it ever got this way, and why our parents don't seem to think that they have to care.

When you consider the childhood of me and Stephanie, we have every reason to be drinking or be doing drugs. Both of us were tormented by dad while mom just turned up the television. We were both treated like the worst thing that could have happened to them. And our troubles with life and school were cast aside, and completely unheard. Rebecca on the other hand was always spoiled, never punished, and always looked at as the victim. Not to mention, friends came easily to her and she was willing to like anybody who would have her.

So she got lucky, and by the time it was just her in school, mom and dad didn't want to be parents. All mom could say is that "she was tired," as if children were forced on her. "What can I do?" and all that bullshit. Gee mom, you had a pretty easy time hitting me, or letting dad do it, maybe you could have given that a try. So Rebecca got away with everything, could do whatever she wanted, mom and dad did not a thing, never tried. They watched her turn into this monster and just continued to drink and watch TV.

And they yelled at me so much for when I said her friends were idiots, she was turning into this. "Oh you're just jealous because she's not hanging out with you." While I didn't like that she acted like I was complete shit next to people like Jesse or Kerry, I knew that this was going on. Even so, I still remained the bad child, teachers always saying I was violent whether or not that was the case was worse that Rebecca's friends always seeming to get away with weed and what not. I was so easy to blame. In fact, sometimes they'd try to say it was my fault. She turned this way because I was so bad in school. Somehow. She wanted to get away from my reputation. Yeah, that's no excuse.

Then it was Stephanie's fault for being too mean to her. Apparently Steph had a bad attitude about having her stuff stolen and being lied to all the time. Mom of course knew the right way to deal with this. Let Rebecca do whatever she wanted and then Rebecca would surely come around.

Didn't quite happen that way, did it, Ma.

So Rebecca comes back home. I'm nice, let her borrow whatever she wants. Then she starts stealing from me. I get pissed and they tell me I have a bad attitude. She keeps stealing my camera so dad buys her a camera. Then mom tries to say that it's all dad's fault. Well it's not. Mom did it too, and was even worse about it. It's just as much as fault as Rebecca's. So they both become best friends, the new enemy, me. They spy on me, assume I must be doing bad things behind their back. I guess being mad that my stinky cheese man book was sent to Florida was pretty seedy of me. You know what I'd call seedy? Them trying to buy a new one at Barnes and Noble to replace it. I have to give it to dad on this one, he was pretty adamant on getting the original back.

Let's jump to now. She goes out with complete morons, all of them likely to amount to nothing. I wish Kerry had the sense to tell her not to be such an idiot. But then, he's an idiot, too. She comes home drunk, high, both. She smokes cigarettes now so she'll likely end up like our mother, who also thought she was much smarter than she is. Mom and dad are thrilled that Rebecca's an adult now. Now they have a great excuse to do nothing. Because it's "her life." If you was to ask me, she's lost her right to it. But then they never cared what I thought.

It's to that point where even though Rebecca's being civil, I don't want to hang out with her. I simply don't respect people like her and laugh at the kinds of things that happen to them. Even if it's a sibling, so be it. She isn't really my sister, Rebecca, anymore. She's a teenaged girl, one of many I can go without. If she changes cool. But I can't waste any more time waiting for it. It seems she's made her choice. If that's what's important to her, fine. We can all move on. I'll at least still have the other sister.

Christmas. As if it matters.

We were supposed to be opening presents around this time but I removed myself from the situation. If mom warrants waiting on dad so that he can go get his pipe and they can smoke first then she can spend Christmas with him, his way. Me, I'll just do whatever, it's silly to think that any joy could be forged out of being here with them, anyway. I told Mom not to have any of it here, nobody wants to be together in this setting. While we were all having fun at the hotel (except mom because she was dead set on not having any), now that we're back it's a completely different dynamic. She's always wasting time trying to get anyone to be happy here. Forget it lady, it's not gonna happen.

Anyway, it looks like a huge particle has found its way under my monitor, so along with the potential dead pixel and underlying smudge I think I'll see about getting the monitor replaced. There's must be something wrong with it if this keeps happening. It did feel pretty flimsy.

Dear mom

When you want it, go get it and eat it.

When you don't, don't buy it.

Life is easier than you think.
Sure, nobody but my sister and Jen and maybe other snoopers will see this, but hey, I like lists. And this is one that's quite a big deal for me since I'm almost afraid to make it, what with changes in preference, moods, and what not, and the items will probably tend to move. So as with the price of gold, this list is pretty much only guaranteed to be good between this morning, and tonight.

If there is an entire series that I love, then I'll only put my favorite of the series, and have it loosely represent the rest of its line.

10. Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!

9. Pilotwings

8. Mortal Kombat

7. Super Mario World

6. Killer Instinct

5. Super C

4. Donkey Kong Country 2

3. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

2. Manhunt

1. Tetris Attack

Honorable Mentions - Games that can't just be excluded from any list (of mine, at least), even if they don't quite make the Top Ten...



Thrasher: Skate and Destroy


Super Ghouls n Ghosts

Paperboy 2


Friday the 13th

Wolfenstein 3D

I have no witty title in mind

Today I moved my guitar back into my room today. I really don't have space for it but I really wanted to be playing it. Though if I may quote Raymond, it's not like Van Gogh losing his paint brush. Expanding on that, I "wrote" a very quick, energetic song that's the remnants of what I can barely remember from something I tried to write a long time ago. Taking down to just this part is better. Though I worry it sounds a little emo. But whatever, I'm okay with it. After that, I practiced this one thing that's holding me back from saying I have this other song written. It's something I should be able to do but can't because I suck. A very small part that I refuse to omit just because I can't do it right. After moving on from that I worked on this other thing I've been toying with. I've been trying to come up with a song that's completely without distortion, with sort of an upbeat tone to it. I had most of it but I wanted to come up with something of a solo. I finally did and it sounds alright but that got me worried about timing. The timing on it is sort of weird and I always thought that if I'm ever playing with a band, I wouldn't know how to communicate timing and that kind of thing. When to have them come in with their parts. I can't rely on writing it down, since I myself can't read and play music at the same time, and I highly doubt most people don't, either. Then I wondered if I'd just record a guitar part in full and then play it back, discussing when the other parts come in.

Then I get worried about those solos or endings that are like 64 measures long. How do people keep that in mind while playing? I could do it but then I'd have to make my playing a lot less complex so I could think. Thinking about this kind of thing really makes you realize what you aren't cut out for, eh?

It's irrelevant. I'll probably never play in a band, anyway. Moving on, today I got what I can only assume are posters from Relaxing Dragon, better known to others as Jason Manhunt. It's for Christmas. He really is a nice boy. I haven't opened it yet because I haven't decided if I should open in now or actually on Christmas. I was gonna just open it when I got it because I really didn't want the family to comment on it like they would if I opened it when we were together, but then I thought that if I did it on the actual date, that would be after what I'm calling "Real Christmas," when I'll be back home. Then I could open it afterwords because it would probably make me feel better after what can only realistically be foreseen as a shitty day. But then, well...I kinda wanna know what's in there, now.

Aside from that, I've been re-learning how to kick ass with everyone on Killer Instinct. I can now perform Ultra Combos with Orchid, Cinder, Spinal, Sabrewulf, Glacious, and Thunder. I am most dangerous fighting as either Cinder or Sabrewulf, as is the classic state of affairs.

I suppose I'll end on this note. Apparently Grandma doesn't care about Christmas this year due to the Grandpa situation. I guess without him it can't be a joyous occasion. Was it mean to me to start reminding her of how he usually acts during similar occasions? That's for the philosophers to decide. But the main idea here is that she's annoying in her loyalty towards him. She's literally lost the ability to be happy as an individual. It's not sweet, it's sickening.


Today I've officially finished my first multi-chapter story, allowing a chronic, three-year failure to come to an end, so I suppose that warrants Mac, over there. Though I'm not super excited. Maybe because I began to believe I could do it for a while, now. It came out reasonably interesting, I think.

Anyway, we're going to have adjoining hotel rooms for Christmas which is cool, we can finally do that. Somebody should get some Nerf guns. All but one present has come and I'm pretty sure the last one will come when I need it to. So it looks like we might salvage some enjoyment this Christmas. Hopefully it'll be fun, what with visiting with people. I want to hit the arcade and go out to eat. I'm more excited about giving gifts than getting them this year. Not because I'm noble or something stupid like that but because I didn't really ask for anything super exciting. Except for maybe Donkey Kong.

So I suppose things aren't going too poorly right now. I want to stay up tonight but I'm already feeling sort of tired. Probably because I didn't sleep too long last night. We'll see how that goes.

Dear Rockstar

What in the hell is wrong with you guys.

Thanks for the present, Steph.

I waste my time

Even when I tell my parents I'm thinking I'd better search for a job, they ignore you when you add how you imagine you'll be unhappy but are ready to accept a life of abandoned goals and misery. I'm not saying I don't truly believe that, I'm just saying, when they ignore you when you want to talk about it, it makes it hard to care what they think. I've told them a million times that ignoring how I feel about things is exactly what got us to this point, but I guess they think I was joking.

That's exactly what I mean when I say that they want me to be miserable like them. I mean, they've never seemed to care whether or not I feel I can do anything besides be unhappy. I wouldn't call it coddling, I'd compare it to the same reasons you tell your friends not to kill themselves. But whatever, I knew I was wasting my time.

Anyway, I've got a $100 budget for Christmas. That'll be the last of my money. But I don't have anything better to spend it on. That's why I decided I'd better start looking for work. I certainly don't want to ask them for money.

I don't know what I want. I can think of some small things but I'm really not excited for anything. I hate to do it, but maybe I should ask for cash. That's what I need.

Anyway, again, I feel totally trapped. I should seriously just walk out the door with nothing and wing it. I bet I'd still be more relaxed. Worst case scenario, I'm a total failure. Then why worry?



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January 2011